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Friday, May 28th, 2010
6:44 pm
Aww, my fiancee' randomly brought me home a red rose.
-is loved-

current mood: melancholy

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Friday, August 8th, 2008
12:53 pm
 

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Tuesday, March 13th, 2001
4:07 pm - Never settle for the path of least resistance
Today, the rain falls and I sit here envying the pavement. To get washed by nature's blood. It must be revitalizing.

I sit here trying to decipher the meaning(S) of the Prologue in Chaucer's The Canterbury Tales - what role this will play in my life I do not know -- but the challenge poses itself and I have accepted. Go figure

Today, in English class, I said something that was terribly profound -- almost too profound for me to think about later -- we were talking about need, willingness and obligation in trying to figure oneself and someone else "out" -- and as we were battling and stumbling over and over on the same ideas, I said "Existence of an obligation is not the same as the choice to fulfill it. Obligation exists even when the choice to deny it is chosen" Thinking about this now only creates a large sense of confusion for me -- I can begin to sense the pandemonium start to uproar as I contemplate on today's lesson... but if you just LOOK and not think about it.. but SEE - there is substantial truth to that statement. And where I stand here thinking that I have acquired very little knowledge in my lifetime, I must say, and not in a braggish fashion, that I amazed myself - for a second, I underestimated what I'm capable of thinking..

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm not SHALLOW

And after about thirty minutes with my head swollen and making the teacher take a moment and THINK about what was said; I glide to pointe class and fall ever so clumsily in the middle of the hallway. Isn't this FAB?

I never seem to win.

current mood: enlightened

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Monday, March 12th, 2001
4:06 pm - My beauties ---
Where have I gone? I have been ill -- still am -- I have not forgotten about you

My heart still beats heavy -- my blood is still thick with anguish. I cry incessantly and I'm in desperate need of a hug.

There may be hope for me yet

current mood: sedated

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Sunday, March 4th, 2001
8:09 pm - The Best Song
The Space Between
--DMB

You cannot quit me so quickly
Is no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love
The Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep us safe from the pain

But will I hold you again?
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like 'Will it rain today?'
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted game we play

We're strange allies
With warring hearts
What wild-eyed beast you be
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep us safe from the pain

Will I hold you again?
Will I hold...

Look at us spinning out in
The madness of a roller coaster
You know you went off like a devil
In a church in the middle of a crowded room
All we can do, my love
Is hope we don't take this ship down

The Space Between
Where you're smiling high
Is where you'll find me if I get tickled
The Space Between
The bullets in our firefight
Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you
The rain that falls
Splash in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into...
The Space Between
Our wicked lies
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain

Take my hand
'Cause we're walking out of here
Oh, right out of here
Love is all we need here
The Space Between
What's wrong and right
Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you
The Space Between
Your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time
The Space Between...

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11:01 am - procrastination is the key
I'm sitting here trying to avoid the inevitable. My paper on Oedipus Rex and the complexes that surround our lives. Although I am terribly enthralled with my topic, I cannot help but hate that I have to focus on one tiny little portion of the egotistical aura of Oedipus as it looks at us in the face today. Why can't I comment on the ego and the id? Why limit myself to one hair when I see a head full of luscious locks that I can comb through?

I think I do this to myself for kicks.

I recently bought DMB's "Everyday" and I have The Space Between on continuous play. It deserves that kind of recognition. I also adore "Everyday", "Mother Father" and of course, "I Did It".

Like will it raaiiiin today

I can find beauty almost anywhere. I've been pouring myself into Jung lately -- which, I must admit is a bit self-indulgent but I couldn't help myself. I have to bite my lip to not quote or refer to it. It's addicting. YOU SHOULD READ JUNG. And although it can be a bit overwhelming and a little tedious to talk about, it really does make sense in the end. And I think that's the kind of clarity we need. I think we don't search for the right things.

I don't think that we focus on our English papers when we should. Blah -- I will leave.

current mood: awake

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Saturday, March 3rd, 2001
6:50 pm - The space between is where you'll find me hiding
pardon my extended absence

Would ya? I'm terribly sorry I haven't written in such an expanded length of time. I have been ill -- in pain, crying, and incredibly distraught. I've been feeling so thick-blooded. My little pitty-party hobby of skin laceration has gotten a bit out of hand and I feel as though that medication is no longer enough. A more abstruse method is necessary here. I cannot walk around with this overwhelming exanimate emotion any longer. I'm absolutely determined to do something about this incessant crying, unending self-demoralized/bashing and start re-evaluating my views on myself. The only way that can happen is if I start therapy -- something I have been fearing. Not the therapy itself, but the reaction my parents would have if I told them that I'm not okay and that I need it. I don't want a stream of redundant re-runs of incidents that occurred last year. The shame on their part because they thought they did something wrong. I now see that although it IS them, it's now ME that I have to take care of. Not their self-esteem. And even though I repeat this self-empowerment bullshit to myself over and over to myself, I'll never feel adequate enough to face them and go through it. I always feel as if I have to HIDE my feelings from them. It's almost as if I'm trying to protect them from themselves. Not let them see what kind of huge fucking assholes they really are. But in actuality, what's going on is that in the act of trying to save them, I'm allowing myself to deteriorate in the process which as far as I know, not a 'good thing to do' for a lack of better way of expressing it.

I remember watching an episode of CHARMED and there was this little girl who could see other levels of reality. And there was this one thing she said that hit me. "The trolls live in the tweens" like in doorways and such. Trolls notorious for supressing their feelings pertaining to their physical features and terrorizing others. Makes you ponder.

current mood: indescribable

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Thursday, March 1st, 2001
2:38 pm - but I'm not seventeen
Occasionally, I get these spritzes of intelligence -- for example, today, I found out that wayyyy back in my head I knew the depth of The Oedipal Complex and I knew the role of Tiresias -- I had read Siddhartha and it's themes stayed with me and I was able to express them. I had not forgotton what alpha and gamma rays were and that Syphillis is not a name. These are things that I now know I know.

Tomorrow night is the Senior Dinner Dance and I'm wondering if I should accept an invitation for an after-party type thing. It would certaining catapult me into a small group of friends, but do I want to be the odd one out not knowing any private jokes? Do I want to deepen my feelings of isolation by knowing that THIS is what I've missed for sixteen and a half years? I don't think so.

TO YOU WHO READS THIS: Are you a psychologist? Can you help me? anyone? save my life? I need a heart to hold on to.

current mood: drained

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12:01 am - it has begun
rabbit rabbit -- good luck to me for the month

current mood: hopeful

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Wednesday, February 28th, 2001
11:22 pm - unconscience suicide, aren't you gone yet?
EEERRRHHHNNNN -- EEERRRHHHNNNN -- EEERRRHHHNNNN -- EEERRRHHHNNNN quoth my alarm clock. It was the beginning of a painful day. Everything bothered me today. The sound of my alarm clock, my outfit, people's faces, the sounds of my teachers voices, EVERYTHING. My head was so sensitive, my heart was so weak. My skin was so thin. I'm so translucent.

I wanted to reach out today and touch life -- feel beauty -- suck some warmth up through my fingertips. But I was just too irritable. Ever want to stretch your body to the limit -- and then further just so that you may feel a microcosm of the world's energies? I did that today in dance. But I started to cry -- so it didn't work. I want to feel bubbling and beautiful. But I don't. I want a flutter - but all I have is flab.

current mood: morose

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Tuesday, February 27th, 2001
7:45 pm - Father forgive me, for I have sinned
Ever get that limp-limb feeling? Where your arms are terribly heavy and you're legs are just DRAGGING along the cement? I hate having this heavy hearted feeling. My vessel full of sand. I'm a dancer. Not a beanbag. I want my fingers to be electrified -- not full of lead. I want to be a fruit-blossom of sorts. I HATE these twisted organs of mine.

Father forgive me for I have sinned. It has been sixteen years, seven months, one day, sixteen hours and thirty minutes since my last confession. I see this as OK seeing as how I'm not Catholic and this is terribly uncomfortable. Father, I have committed seventy four sins. They are impaled on my left and right legs. From ankle to hip. Father, I have committed the sin of self-mutilation. I started at my ankle -- but blood at the ankle never counts. Everyone takes blood from the ankle. Then my mother started telling that my pants were looking tighter on me. So I went a little higher. Then the POPULARS laughed at me when I tripped in the staircase. So, I was digging into my knee. And then I saw that lump on my tummy and knew that I'd never be beautiful, never have a boyfriend and be lonely for the rest of my life. So, there are two large, deep slashes in my thighs. Father those are my sins.

I'm losing myself. I need a hug. I need a savior. I need to be held. I need a good cry. Why won't anyone listen? I'm in so much fucking PAIN. Lord, help me. help me. please. amen.

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7:44 pm
I just wrote a journal entry and livejournal just fucking DELETED IT -- FUCK THIS SHIT. I'm very fucking pissed now.

Oh wait, I found it -- I'll put it in a new one.. whoops!

current mood: embarrassed

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Monday, February 26th, 2001
11:21 pm - It's HIM on the other side of the galaxy
We're mid-convo. He introduces himself in an odd way:

TheBoyWhoMakesMeFlutter [10:58 PM]: lamps are fun because they give off light
SillyGirlWithSillyIntentions [10:58 PM]: only if you are a gay masturbating robot
TheBoyWhoMakesMeFlutter [10:58 PM]: light is fun because it let's us see
SillyGirlWithSillyIntentions [10:59 PM]: did you go to school today?
TheBoyWhoMakesMeFlutter [10:59 PM]: yes...
TheBoyWhoMakesMeFlutter [10:59 PM]: i saw you
SillyGirlWithSillyIntentions [10:59 PM]: hmm.. interesting
SillyGirlWithSillyIntentions [11:00 PM]: I practiced being oblivious to everything and everyone today
TheBoyWhoMakesMeFlutter [11:00 PM]: yes... very... almost as interesting as lamps
SillyGirlWithSillyIntentions [11:00 PM]: I think it worked
TheBoyWhoMakesMeFlutter [11:00 PM]: ha ha haa
SillyGirlWithSillyIntentions [11:01 PM]: you know, you "ha ha haa" more than I do -- that is not funny
SillyGirlWithSillyIntentions [11:01 PM]: lamps are funnier
TheBoyWhoMakesMeFlutter [11:01 PM]: yup, yup, yup
TheBoyWhoMakesMeFlutter [11:01 PM]: el oh el
SillyGirlWithSillyIntentions [11:01 PM]: el oh el
TheBoyWhoMakesMeFlutter [11:01 PM]: i kinda miss talking to you babe
TheBoyWhoMakesMeFlutter [11:01 PM]: is that bad?
SillyGirlWithSillyIntentions [11:02 PM]: no, that isn't bad
SillyGirlWithSillyIntentions [11:02 PM]: you have a funny humor I uh.. miss
TheBoyWhoMakesMeFlutter [11:02 PM]: you have this great sense of humor...
TheBoyWhoMakesMeFlutter [11:03 PM]: shit...
TheBoyWhoMakesMeFlutter [11:03 PM]: that was funny
TheBoyWhoMakesMeFlutter [11:03 PM]: we said that at the same time
TheBoyWhoMakesMeFlutter [11:03 PM]: wow
TheBoyWhoMakesMeFlutter [11:03 PM]: []
SillyGirlWithSillyIntentions [11:03 PM]: yessum -- that was funny -- funnier than a yeller frog belly

[]
TheBoyWhoMakesMeFlutter [11:04 PM]: ha ha haa... how was your day honey?
SillyGirlWithSillyIntentions [11:04 PM]: eh, it was -- short. I left after seventh with my sister.
TheBoyWhoMakesMeFlutter [11:05 PM]: oh... did you ever get to make out with ur sister?
SillyGirlWithSillyIntentions [11:05 PM]: oh yeah -- we have another session scheduled for later this evening
SillyGirlWithSillyIntentions [11:05 PM]: she's applying strawberry lipgloss as we speak (my favorite flavor)
TheBoyWhoMakesMeFlutter [11:06 PM]: can i watch?
SillyGirlWithSillyIntentions [11:06 PM]: Its kinda private -- you know, a sisterly bonding type moment

I wish it was different. I wish he could see ME We joke. Privately -- doesn't he see Im really in pain?

current mood: silly

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Sunday, February 25th, 2001
5:01 pm - limited interests
I tried to add stuff to my "user-info" crap thing and I added a bunch of interests -- when I submitted it, I was confronted with an error stating that I had listed 155 interests and there was a capacity limit of 150. If I wanted to post anything, I'd have to cut out five of my interests. Absentmindedly, I just deleted the last five things I wrote and re-submitted the page -- but I now realize that I just left out parts of me. And I think I do that a lot -- I just leave out parts of myself to suit boundaries; never want to go overboard -- don't want to be considered that I'm slacking off.

I'm such a fucking moron.

current mood: pissed off

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3:22 pm - shut-down locked in incoherent blah blah blah
you know, livejournal is down (again) I'm kinda pissed -- aren't you? uggghhh -- I'm glad I have this application thingie.

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2:58 pm - I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Today, I went to church with my mother and as I stepped into the temple, I couldn't help but feel that what I need right now is a serious dose of religion. I need prayer, comfort and a universal hug. It may seem pathetically self-absorbed, but there is a reason why I cry at night. There is a reason for the scars on my body. Why do my organs tense up? Why does it feel as if my skin is shrinking and I'm falling?

Had I been the least bit religious, I would have prayed nightly and perhaps my fears and anguish would be assuaged. But NO -- I'm this self-absorbed pseudo-intelligent retard that swears that she can handle it. And today, as I broke down and cried, I realized that I CAN'T handle it all. I don't understand myself sometimes.

You know, I just feel so disconnected with myself sometimes. It's like, I'm watching myself do all of this really DUMB SHIT. There's stars and space betwixt my body and my brain. I can't seem to connect the two of them I just don't get myself sometimes. I'll cry and scream and pain and you'd think it's okay. They are just normal feelings for a girl right in the middle of puberty to have. But it isn't okay when I HANG on to these wretched feelings and I drive myself nuts. I'm crying now -- Im a fucking mess.

I gotta go-- my wrists are shrinking.

current mood: discontent

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Saturday, February 24th, 2001
11:13 pm
I'm feeling a bit apathetic -- even more than I am already. So apathetic I cant even finish thi

current mood: apathetic

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8:06 pm
I just wasted two hours of my life watching Welcome To The Doll House by far, the worst movie ever made. I don't know where they got the money for it. Where did they get the actors? UglyPeople.Com? They were seriously the most heinous people I have ever laid my eyes on. And the sad thing was, the ugly girl got to suck face big time in this movie. I hate my life.

You know, I have this weird habit to do things in the most random order. Today, I cleaned the kitchen but the last thing I did was wash the dishes. I mopped the floor, cleared the table, scrub the island, then do the dishes. I'm so backwards. I cleaned my room today - Made my bed, fixed my paintings then picked all the crap up from the floor. And I called a friend. I dialed, told her who I was and let her freak out a bit. She didn't know that I was calling. (Sidenote: this chicka is my uhh.. AOL buddy. I just dialed her digits today for fun) I hope she doesn't hate me. Looks like I called her in the middle of some family conversation of why she's online and on the phone and if she could babysit -- I'm not sure. I was confused. Anyhow, it was fun... she sounds perky -- kinda scared me.

I am TORN. Between pleasing my father and pleasing myself. You know what? I'm gonna SCREW college. I'll go to some hick town in New Jersey and bring STYLE and DIGNITY and some STRONG FUCKING DEMOCRATIC views. That's right. I'll turn all of Jersey into Gore Supporting fiends if it's the last thing I do -- that is my new mission in life. That, or memorizing the first 3 seasons of Friends.

I have nothing of substance to say.

current mood: silly

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1:53 pm - do you wanna be a polyester bride?

You're lucky to even know me-- you're lucky to be alive -- you're lucky to be drinking here for free 'cos I'm a sucker for your lucky pretty eyes.

Hmmm... I can't believe it -- I'm actually going to GO TO COLLEGE. I've always had the grades, the ambition -- but now, the opportunity has risen and I found a school that is not only affordable, but offers what I want. I'm ECSTATIC.

Playing Liz Phair -- trying to come to the conclusion the only kind of friendships I will ever have will be online and not in the flesh. This hurts -- alot.

My fingers have gotten smaller. My skin has shrunken some more. My eyes are swollen and my blood is watered down. I hate this.

shut up. fuck me.

current mood: morose

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12:32 am - my manners! I fucking suck
I want the WORLD to thank this girl for my oh-so- pretty picture. She resized my faerie negative so that I may display it. Nice huh? Too bad I'm a huge dick and didn't thank her -- sorry chica!

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